it's three am i am submitting this

[themidwife]

PLAYER INFORMATION

Name: Kari
Journal: karijou @ LJ
Contact information: derpy angel [AIM], supitskari@gmail.com
Other characters: N/A; I played here a long, long time ago, though.
Do you need an invite code? Nope!

CHARACTER INFORMATION

Name: Karkat Vantas / “The Midwife”
Age: 13 solar sweeps; roughly 28 years of human age!
Subject taught: Sex-ed (Alternian) // Childcare, pre- and post-natal
Canon: HOMESTUCK (AU)

“EVERY DAY, A MILLION BABIES ARE BORN IN THE UNITED STATES ALONE. MANY OF THESE BABIES CLIMB OUT OF VAGINAS. OTHERS, THE STORKS BRING THEM. SOME ARE BORN OUT OF SLIME IN PARADOX SPACE THANKS TO A SPECIAL VIDEO GAME YOUR MOMMY USED TO PLAY.

BUT REGARDLESS OF HOW THESE BABIES MAY BE BORN... THEY ALL COME INTO THE WORLD WITH A SPECIAL FORCE... CALLED LOVE.

THIS IS THAT STORY.”

-celebrated timpanist, e.e. cummings

Imagine, if you will, an angry sort of world, one populated with grey aliens and their bestial caretakers. Worlds like this have already been illustrated in many forms of media, including (but not limited) to the popular webcomic Homestuck. However, for the purposes of this history section, we must examine Alternia a little closer. This Karkat hails from an alternate universe, where two primary questions are asked:

1) What if Sgrub and its forced apocalypse had never been a necessary component in the troll's universe?

2) What if the Sufferer had not been executed?

For part 1, we take a simplistic sort of view. Alternia, despite the lack of Scratch-based intervention, is still the dangerous place shown in Hussie's original vision: love and kindness are anathema to the militant society's ambitions, lusii are still primarily responsible for the care of young wigglers, and a certain twelve trolls showed up in the distant past long enough to make their mark on history (and the troll gene pool). This allows for a longer universe, one that does not abruptly end with a rain of meteors or a radioactive dog cutting a house on a lilypad in half. As for why the more peculiar customs of the world still exist as they do? We excuse this away with the point that it is this precise set of rules that brought up Karkat in the original world, and to change them too drastically might have an odd effect on his character. (Really, it's just artistic license.)

Part 2 is the more interesting divergence point. The Sufferer, just as before, preached his radical doctrine of acceptance and love amidst trollkind. Just as before, he was discovered, and just as before the revolutionary nature of his actions guaranteed him punishment. However, the Condesce came up with a much more fitting punishment; instead of executing him and creating a martyr, he would simply serve her militant empire in the way he wished. During the birthing season, he was chained down by cold steel manacles in the chamber of the most fertile mother grub, sentenced to oversee her birthings in lieu of the jadebloods and guarantee the survival of as many future warriors as possible. The Sufferer, being a troll of kindness and pity, could not rebel – doing so would only result in the death of the grubs he was watching over, possibly by his own hand.

For the remainder of his years, he was allowed to wander freely across Alternia's shores. However, the punishment was absolute: he would never leave Alternia, bound to the planet until the day he died, and to prevent his proselytization his tongue was sliced out of his throat. The Sufferer died, but he would not be written out of the history books and whispered in secret. Instead, he would be immortalized as the Birthing Guardian for his (unwilling) contributions to the empire. Over time, this name too would be lost; eventually, he would simply be known as “The Midwife.”

Much time passed. The jadebloods were released from their task of assisting the mother grubs, though some traditions remained. The Summoner rebelled, just as he did in another universe, and just as in the other the Condesce would mandate that all grown trolls leave the planet's shores. By this point, the Sufferer was long dead, and none others with his peculiar blood had surfaced. Just in case, however, she added a single exception: were a troll with candy-red blood ever to surface again, he would be bound to the same imprisonment their originator had suffered.

The militant race would expand across the universe, conquering all in their path without a single look back. Eventually, a young troll with blood similar to the Sufferer would be born. A lusus would take him in, courtesy of the Empress's cautious backup plans, and upon the sixth anniversary of his wriggling day a surprise would lie in wait for young Karkat Vantas. Instead of entering a new realm courtesy of Sgrub, he would find an imperial drone – one that had come to collect its new charge.

Karkat was taken to the chambers of the mother grub, where he would be trained as her intermediary. It would be his job to oversee the birth and safety of hundreds, even thousands of young wigglers during the birthing season. During the off periods, he would be allowed to roam wherever he pleased; however, the mother grub took a liking to her littlest charge and his profane tirades, and permitted him to stay near her if he so chose. (She would not act as a lusus; the distinction, while minor, was plainly clear to the young midwife and the elder grub alike.) This same fondness prevented her from permanently silencing him, as well.

Over time, Karkat grew more and more adept at his job. As all his old friends and acquaintances began to vanish around him (off to the stars; some willingly, some not), he took to his role as guardian with great gusto. While he would never grow to preach such radical things as his ancestor, he would grow to protect even the crabbiest of grubs, yelling obscene, rage-filled commands at them until he was quite certain they wouldn't get themselves killed. He was, unquestionably, the best leader they could have asked for in their infantile glory.

Seven sweeps have passed since Karkat's first day in his forced job relocation. He has given up thoughts of threshecutioners and highbloods; while it is not a perfect job, his position as midwife guarantees relative safety even as his candy blood shines through. His only regret is the loss of all his friends; however, he dares not to vocalize such thoughts, for fear of the Condesce's culling fork. On the twelfth bilunar perigee of the sixth dark season's equinox, the thirteenth anniversary of his wriggling day, Karkat opens his eyes in a world he has never seen, with a sun that doesn't sear out his eyes.

And thus begins his magical, mystical journey as a sex ed teacher.

Canon point: See Canon – effectively, his “thirteenth” birthday.

Personality:

First things first: no matter what universe he is found in, no matter whether it is canon or AU, no matter what species he is? Karkat Vantas is and always will be one vulgar motherfucker. This is a universal constant. Karkat's rage transcends boundaries; it goes beyond the metrics of measure any given universe can contain. Karkat is a steaming ball of leadership and fury, and every expletive that tumbles out of his gaping maw is further proof of that sentiment. For OU Karkat, it was this ruthless leaderly curse-prowess that allowed his team to survive until the post-game segments, and every impotent scream of rage cemented that fact in. For Midwife Karkat, he prefers to rant and rave at the grubs younger than him (when they're not in a chrysalis). Since this is effectively every other troll he sees, he's really not particularly picky.

Here's the thing, though. Despite the vulgarity, the constant frothing at the mouth, the incessant all-consuming HUNGERRAGE, Karkat is actually a pretty swell guy underneath! As far as humans go, anyway. For a troll, he's actually pretty awful. See, trolls have this whole culture built around rage, destruction, conquest – you know, all the good stuff, up to and including the subjugation of the lower classes. And Karkat has this little secret in canon – he's a mutant, lower than any lowblood in recorded history. For this transgression, he'd have been culled if he was ever found out, or given even the slightest of suspect activities. So to make up for that, he redirects every bit of rage in his body – and there is some, that's for sure – to the surrounding world. This works pretty well, all things considered – as far as most people know, he is just the frothing ball of hatred that calls himself their “leader.” Only a select few (possibly including Karkat) are aware of just how much he cares for the well-being of those around him.

So we've already established that Karkat has some (HAHAHA UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR) rage, but FROM WHERE DOES IT COME??? This is actually an interesting part of his psyche; he's not just faking being angry, after all. See, Karkat has some intense self-issues. Early on, they manifest through his insecurity: his constant posturing, his vomiting rage at his friends. However, as soon as Sgrub's bullshit time travel mechanics come into play, a new target for his rage manifests: future and/or past Karkat. Immediately, Karkat knows he has found his one true hate; so much, in fact, that he considers it a blackrom of sorts. He cannot imagine hating anyone more than he hates the idiot who did stupid shit in his past (aka himself) and the simpering asshole who will do stupid shit in his future (aka himself). This is all just him shifting the hate as far away from “present him” as he can: later, he even “admits” to Jade about what he feels for himself at the given moment, ranting about how awful he is, and berates himself for doing what he feels doomed his own session.

However, when he's not trying to cover it up with anger, he does legitimately care for his friends. He stays awake for twenty-five days solid, working nonstop to get his entire team alive through the gauntlets presented by SGRUB. Vriska even points it out, in a roundabout troll fashion – Karkat might have been too good of a leader, too concerned with the well-being of his “subordinates” (or comrades, as someone with a sickle might think HMMMM) to let the natural troll ascensions to god-tier happen.

So, now we reach an interesting question: how has being a midwife changed Karkat? The answer is that he is both different and entirely the same. See, in isolation, Karkat got lonely pretty darn quickly. For the first sweep, it wasn't so bad – they didn't bother cutting out his tongue, after all, and he got to go back to roaming. However, as all his friends left for uncharted planets, Karkat was left entirely alone. By the point he's showing up, the poor guy has given up any hopes of ever finding a soulmate: by the empress's order, there are only seven-sweep-olds and younger on the planet, and Karkat's definitely looking for someone more in his age range. ONLY MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY MOVIES, RITUAL MASTURBATION AND LONELY TEARS FOR KARKLES. )':B

The other major change is a little odder: he's more open about taking care of people, albeit in a very grumbly way. It's his job as midwife to both help the mother grub and assist the young'uns as much as possible, after all; failure to do so would not only weigh down on his conscience, but earn an immediate culling. Instead, he works on keeping as many people alive and safe as he can (screaming obscenities all the while, of course).

Finally, the last change is an interesting yet superficial one: when he was taken to the mother grub, a change of attire was deemed necessary. He was given a candy-red version of his grey manacles; and as a result everyone around him is well aware of his low, low position. As such, he's significantly less averse to people 'finding' out or getting cut – they already know. (He still types in grey, mainly thanks to the recessive gene known as “incredibly tenacious asshole.”)

Weapon:

Name: Time Out Chair.

Form: I regret nothing.

Upgrades:

• Enmity
  
• Durability+
  
• Durability+
  
• Durability+
  
• Stop

Lost memories:

• 1 What he looks like without a goatee.
  
• 2 Why he grew a goatee in the first place.
  
• 3 Everything he ever knew about ~ATH.
  
• 4 How to tie his shoelaces.
  
• 5 The word “shoelaces.”
  
• 6 The Summoner's Rebellion.
  
• 7 Troll Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
  
• 8 His own name.
  
• 9 Aradia's death.
  
• 10 The last Perigee's Eve he spent with his lusus.

Sample:

ATTENTION, PUNY MAGGOTMONGERS.
THE DIE HAS BEEN CAST.
I FEEL IT IS FINALLY TIME TO MAKE MY RESULTS KNOWN.

I HAVE BEEN SILENTLY OBSERVING YOU ALL FOR EIGHT DAYS.
I AVOIDED ALL FORMS OF CONTACT FOR ONE HUNDRED EIGHTY-EIGHT HOURS.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVE LEARNED IN THIS SHORT SPAN OF TIME?
NO.
NO, YOU DON'T.
YOU ARE COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF THESE FINDINGS, BECAUSE EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU IS VISIBLY MENTALLY DEFICIENT.
HOWEVER, I, IN MY BORDERING-ON-INFINITE BENEVOLENCE, HAVE DECIDED (IN THE INTERESTS OF TRANSPARENCY) TO SHARE MY DATA WITH YOU LITTLE TWITS.

PART I.
ABSTRACT: "EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU SHITHEADS CAN GO CHOKE ON A BULGE FOR ALL I CARE."
HYPOTHESIS: LOOK AT THESE LITTLE CHUCKLEFUCKS ARE YOU EVEN AWARE OF YOUR OWN IDIOCY PROBABLY FUCKING NOT OH MY GOD I HATE YOU SO FUCKING MUCH.
STATUS: VERIFIED EMPIRICALLY, THROUGH EXTENSIVE TESTING.

PART II.
ABSTRACT: "THE WRIST THINGS ARE RETARDED ON A SCALE THAT PUTS EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU BASEMENTDWELLERS TO SHAME."
IN AN ASTOUNDING CONFORMATION TO THE PROGRAMMER'S ETHOS, I LET THINGS GO BY FOR A FEW DAYS AND DECIDED I WOULD JUST PATCH UP ANY BULLSHIT BUGS LATER.
AND IN THE PROCESS, I DISCOVERED SOMETHING AMAZING:
MY WEARABLE HAS NO INTENT TO PUNISH ME.
NOW, OR EVER.
SIMPLY ASTOUNDING, ISN'T IT?
I WOULD LIKE TO PUT FORTH THE FOLLOWING HYPOTHESIS:
"SOMETIMES, THE WRIST THING GETS PISSY AND STARTS BURNING YOUR ARM OR CHOKING YOU OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU'VE HAD TO GO THROUGH TODAY.
AND OTHER TIMES, IT JUST CAN'T BE ASSED TO EVEN TRY."

BEFORE YOU COMMENT, YES, I AM WELL AWARE THAT THEY'RE FUCKING INANIMATE OBJECTS.
TOO FUCKING BAD.
THIS IS A SHORTHAND, A NOTATIONAL CONVENIENCE THAT SAVES ME SEVERAL SECONDS OF DUMPING UNFILTERED KNOWLEDGE INTO YOUR GAPING, UNSCHOOLFED WASTE CHUTES.

TO BE SUCCINCT?
-YOU ARE ALL FUCKING AWFUL
-THE WEARABLES HAVE DIFFERENT PUNISHMENTS, USUALLY AFTER A WEEK, BUT POSSIBLY NOT HAPPENING AT ALL
-MY HATRED FOR EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU KNOWS LITERALLY NO BOUNDS.

I HOPE THAT THIS INFORMATION PASSES THROUGH AT LEAST THREE OF YOUR SKULLS AND LEAVES THE TINIEST BIT OF IMPROVEMENT IN YOUR EMPTY HEADS.
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
THE REST OF YOU?
I WILL COUNT MYSELF LUCKY IF YOU MANAGE TO THRESH YOURSELF WHILE TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF THE BASIC LAWS OF GRAMMAR.

(HOPEFULLY NOT) LATER,
THE MIDWIFE